2019

I looked in the mirror. I smiled at my reflection.

I realized, I don’t know her anymore.

The sad smile, I don’t recognize it. I don’t feel the pain that is apparent in her eyes.

I must have grew up a lot; matured a lot and learned over time how to feel numb.

I always catch myself going away and I find myself happy whenever I do. My soul is renewed each time I go to far places. It has become addicting.

Happiness. I chase it.

Escapism is my go-to solution. I always escape when I don’t feel good. I travel to know myself more. I go to new places hoping for a new world, a better one.

The most recent was a half year stay to a country I’ve never been before. Barely a month before I left, I let my guard down. My heart was unguarded. A big mistake. I got it broken. I didn’t realize it until I left and found myself soul shattered. I was puzzled because it was vague: the heartbreak came to me little by little. And then I put a full stop because, come on, it didn’t make sense. It still doesn’t.

I didn’t shed a single tear. I was surprised. I still am.

This is the strongest I’ve been, or that’s what I want to believe.

I haven’t shed a single tear maybe because I’m still hoping: hoping for a better chapter, hoping that the story I left is not yet finished.

Or maybe I just became numb of pain over time.

Blaze is missing in my eyes. I miss it.